Police & Sex Dolls: Up Against It

I used to know a plumber (yes, the same one; the guy should have been a stand-up comedian) who, when relating an incident to a lady, would substitute the expletives he assuredly expleted at the time with the term, Well, I nearly had kittens!  This came to light one day when, wide-eyed, straight-faced and earnest of expression, he told me of popping the capping from a roof only to have a trapped possum jump out at him.  He looked me in the eye and said, Well, I nearly had kittens! and of course I'd pee myself laughing thinking about what he must have said at the time and how different the story would have been at the pub: Mate, I popped the f*****g roof and this f*****g bloody possum –  I f*****g kid you not, mate – f*****g jumped out and I tell ya I couldn’t decide whether to have a f*****g heart attack mate or whether to s**t meself right there and then, mate.  What are you f*****g laughing at, mate? – this great smacking muscled plumber could look me in the eye and declare solemnly I nearly had kittens! with a perfectly straight face.

Shane Warne: The Pop Quiz You'll Never See In Woman's Day

Welcome to The Clever Pumpkin Personality Profiler.

1. You wake up beside Shane Warne.  Do you:

1. Shoot yourself
2. Shoot him
3. Check into the nearest psych clinic
4. Take Warney for a spin to the bank, open a joint bank account, then shoot the little ferret.

2. You wake up in Elizabeth Hurley’s body.  Do you:

1. Shoot Shane Warne.
2. Scoff sixteen chocolate éclairs, exorcise yourself, then shoot Shane Warne.
3. Scoff sixteen chocolate éclairs, shoot Shane Warne, then exorcise yourself.
4. If you have selected a, b or c after you first took Warney to the bank to open a joint account, add ten points.

Thought Of The Day – Is 40 The New 30?

Well yes it is.  But that's only because we're getting stupider.
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Word Of The Day

in·ter·ne·cine (in-tər-ne-sēn, -nē-s^ən, -nē-sīn, -nə-sēn; in-tər-nə-sēn)

adj

1. Of or relating to struggle within a nation, organization, or group.

2. Mutually destructive; ruinous or fatal to both sides.

3. Leaving one sheet on the toilet roll when you live alone.

Man's Fry

Ahem.  Has everyone seen the latest KFC ads implying that 'fresh' KFC is better than homemade leftovers?

First we see two blokes cleaning out a pool when a woman emerges from the house to be asked What's for dinner?  to which she replies, Monday's meatloaf.  Indignant Bloke 2 intimates to Bloke 1 that he doesn't have to 'go there again', the implication being if he has any manly self-respect he'll go out and bring home a bucket of deep fried death instead.

Now, it's only natural for a decent, worthwhile person to feel impelled to take KFC to task over this sexist portrayal of the average bloke as stupid and useless, but as I don't fit that mould what I say is: WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU, YOU DRIBBLING BLOODY IDIOT?  Maybe if you contributed to putting a meal together you wouldn't have to eat leftovers, stupid.  You don't like leftover meatloaf?  YOU DON'T LIKE LEFTOVER MEATLOAF?  So your idea of being a man is to bring KFC home to the family, is it?  That's you being a hunter gatherer is it?  WHAT MANNER OF BACKWARD EVOLUTION IS THAT, DIMWIT?  IF YOU THINK YOU'RE FEEDING MY KIDS A BUCKET OF CRUMBED EXPLODING AORTAS YOU'VE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING, BUCKO.  WHY DON'T WE JUST SELL THEM FOR BODY PARTS NOW?
 

Feed The World

Bob Geldof reportedly said recently of his song, Do They Know It’s Christmas? that it’s one of the worst songs ever written.

Take heart, Sir Bob.  At least because of you, now the people of Africa do know it’s Christmas. 

They know it because your bloody song is on the radio.